Hurry Up and Wait

Things seem to be moving more slowly than they did when I was employed. Perhaps that is not a shocking observation. And maybe it's even a good thing. Maybe I will learn to be more patient, to be less hurried and frantic. Perhaps I will learn to breathe more deeply, be more appreciative, focus more intently on the here and now.

What I'd really like to do right now is take a nap. I am tired, the house is quiet, I refuse to let myself watch TV, and I don't have any deadlines that need meeting right now. I've already tried calling my best friend to see if she can chat, but had to leave a message. I am dressed, I ran some errands, and now I want to sleep.

But I won't. One day, I will be back at work, and if I spent my time while unemployed napping, I will regret it. I will berate myself for it. I will be harried one day, wish I had more time, and I will think, How in God's name did I allow myself to nap when I could have been reading/writing/cleaning out the basement/preparing meals for the coming week/color-coordinating every closet in the house/becoming the next Martha Stewart/jogging/tearing up the pee-covered carpet/repairing rain gutters/finding a bale of hay for my child to use with his new bow-and-arrow/learning how to sew/solving the mystery of why the refrigerator smells rancid/wiping down the ceiling fans so my older son can't write obscene messages in the dust? How could I have slept when there were so many other valuable ways to use my time?

It's hard when waiting seems to be the most active part of each day. I wait for the phone to ring or an email to arrive, notifying me that I have been granted an interview, or have even been scheduled for some volunteer work. After all, it has been three weeks since I notified two places of my interest in volunteer opportunities, and neither one has contacted me personally yet (I have received automated email messages from both places).

I wait to hear how my husband's day was, how my boys are doing at school. I wait to let the dogs outside, and then to let them in again. I wait for the mail to arrive. I wait for the clothes to be ready to be put in the dryer, then I wait until they're dry and can be folded and put away.

Mostly I wait to see if I'm going to be motivated or inspired to do anything today. Is this the day I will pack up bags and boxes for the Salvation Army? Is this the day I will write really, really compelling cover letters to accompany my resume for a variety of jobs ranging from being a family therapist to being a veterinary assistant to writing articles for an online poker company? Is this the day I will fix the two-sided bird feeder so that each side can attract a different type of bird in order to fulfill my cat's entertainment needs? Is this the day I will start my Wii Fit and EA Sports Active programs over from the beginning?

I don't know. Could be. I'll let you know after I wake up.